Nervous Truth
by dreamerswaking
Summary: Set Early Season 5 after 5.04 Sam didn't mean to keep secrets and Dean was going to listen for once.


Nervous Truth

Written by: dreamerswaking

Summary: Sam didn't mean to keep secrets and Dean was going to listen for once.

They were hunting together; something he had believed would never happen again. Two weeks had passed since the brothers reunited on that dusty road and already he was keeping a secret. He hadn't meant to, but between Lucifer's revelation, the two hunts they finished, and the awkward barrier that loomed between them he just hadn't found the right moment.

Now, sitting in the Impala as they sped through Nebraska, seemed as good a time as any to let the proverbial cat out of the bag. Dean was driving, which meant two things. The first was that he couldn't escape the conversation as Dean was wont to do when ever things were outside his control. The second being that despite the expected anger he couldn't effectively punch Sam without risking the Impala. Perfect.

Taking a shuddering breath he rubbed his clammy palms on his jeans in the hopes that they would absorb his nervousness along with the sweat. A quick glance at Dean told Sam that his brother wasn't oblivious; his strong jaw was tensed already in preparation to argue with whatever Sam was going to reveal. Sam felt this as a heavy blow and he was sure, had he been standing, his legs would have buckled.

He faltered suddenly unsure what to say. He took another deep breath through his nose, worrying his lower lip between his teeth.

"Dean-" His brothers name was all he managed to get out before the words he wanted to say got lost in his anxiety. His stomach churned violently; there was suddenly a lack of oxygen in the car and he briefly wondered if Zachariah had taken his lungs again. His eyes watered as he fought for breath. He couldn't even fight back as his head was suddenly shoved between his knees…. and a strong hand began rubbing soothingly at his back.

"-fine. It's okay Sam. Just breathe. Nice and easy. Relax. In. Out. In. Out. You're gonna be fine."

As he listened to his brother, his chest loosened and sweet air filled his lungs. Sobs laced his breathing as his brother continued to rub his back.

"About what Sammy?" It was only with his brother's question that he realized he had been murmuring apologies.

He tensed his muscles involuntarily, feeling them coil tighter then the spring of his Glock. His fight or flight instincts were on high alert and all he wanted to do was bolt from the car. He was going to lose his brother… again. All because of a stupid secret he hadn't meant to keep. The trust between them was so fragile and he knew this would crush it beyond repair.

Roughly wiping his eyes he sat up. He's a Winchester. Winchesters aren't cowards. Though at the moment he wished he was anything but one. Why couldn't he be a Smith or a Johnson or some other clueless idiot? How he wished he could plead ignorance like the rest of the world and bury his head in the sand.

Looking at his brother he could see the concern all over his face. However he could also see his brother's lips pressed tight in the beginnings of anger or dread; though where his brother was concerned they were pretty much the same thing.

Dean's green eyes were what displayed the concern clearest and looking at them now Sam could see how much they'd aged in the last year. Hell could do that to a person, but Sam knew it wasn't all because of that. He himself had put pain in his brothers heart. He had to protect his brother, from the demons, from other hunters, from him...

If he stayed with Dean they would use Dean against him. Sam knew he wasn't as strong as his brother. He knew…

If the devil threatened Dean, Sam would fold like a house of cards. He couldn't let his brother die again, not because of him. He wouldn't survive the guilt or the loneliness. It would break him. Maybe he shouldn't tell Dean. _Maybe_ it wouldn't happen again. Maybe they'll all leave him along or forgive him or perhaps even forget. And maybe pigs will fly and fish will walk on dry land. His stomach rebelled again, this time in self revulsion. How evil was he that he would rather watch the world burn than lose his brother?

"Dean I need to tell you something." Sam mentally scoffed at the phrase 'honesty is the best policy' as his brothers face hardened and emotions closed down. Tender, caring, brotherly Dean extinguished with one simple phrase. Sam's heart broke a little more for the brother he himself had broken. He sighed closing his eyes and digging deep for strength. When he felt he had it his eyes fluttered open and he stared into intense green ones.

"A few weeks ago, before we started hunting together again, something happened. I didn't tell you because honestly the whole devil's vessel thing overshadowed it and then it never seemed like the right time." Dean's hard expression softened minutely but he didn't say anything. Encouraged Sam pressed on.

"While we were… separated, I worked as a bartender. As you know I had burned all my fake I.D.s and decided to lay low. I talked Bobby about a hunt. An infestation of demons but… I turned it down. A few other hunters came instead and asked me to go with them. I refused. I didn't trust myself. I -." He took a deep breath and looked out the window unable to look at his brother anymore.

"They came back later. One of them... he didn't make it. The rest were injured. They- we fought. They involved a girl who worked there." As Sam remembered his face paled. He clasped his hands together to stop the slight tremors from showing. "They held a knife to her throat and asked me if it was true. Dean, they were going to kill her. I told them I —and they-"

His breathing was coming a lot harder now. "They-"

A sound very much similar to a sob escaped him. "I-"

Sam opened the door and practically rolled out. Vomiting what little there was in his stomach. He heard the drivers side door open and close and gratefully took the bottle of water offered. He noticed his brother didn't touch him and he closed his eyes to stave off the burn of tears as he rinsed out his mouth.

With his eyes closed he remembered. He could almost taste it, feel it sliding down his throat. His eyes shot open as he vomited continuously until he was dry heaving, covered in sweat and panting. When he finally regained control he sat back on his heels before collapsing exhausted against the Impala.

A shadow fell across him as Dean moved closer. He couldn't hide the flinch as he saw his brother's hand move toward him. Even though Dean didn't know the reason Sam knew that he deserved what ever violence was coming his way. He wouldn't fight back not if it meant the difference between hatred and forgiveness.

At his flinch Dean paused before continuing forward to brush sweaty bangs out of Sam's eyes. Sam stared at Dean in shock, not expecting the comforting touch.

"What happened?" Dean's voice was gruff and slightly strained as he crouched next to him.

With eyes on his shoes Sam started to speak, automatically obeying the veiled order, his voice dull as he tried to distance himself from the situation. "They had a vial. As they taunted and mocked me I tried to fight, tried to get free. But they had her… I couldn't let them hurt her. They grabbed me and pried open my mouth." No explanation of the vial appeared to be needed as Sam felt Dean stiffen beside him, but otherwise his brother didn't move.

"They poured it in and held my mouth shut ordering me to swallow. I, I wanted to." Sam raised a hand to cover his mouth as his voice choked up. "I wanted… so bad. They finally let me go and I spat out all that I could… If you had seen the way she _looked_ at me… I fought them off and they left. Somehow I got home and went to rinse my mouth out. I gargled a whole bottle of Listerine and brushed my teeth until my gums bled- but I knew... I could still feel it thrumming inside me."

Sam felt Dean pull away and he looked up at Dean's back to watch as his brother tried to control whatever it was he was feeling.

"I didn't… I haven't since. You know that right?" Dean didn't answer him, didn't even acknowledge him.

Panicked that he was losing his brother his voice raised a notch and his words rushed out jumbling together. "I haven't, not once. I don't want to. Dean-." He flinched back as Dean suddenly swung back around a furious look on his face.

He scrambled to his feet not wanting to be on the ground should Dean start swinging. He stood frozen in fear as his brother stalked towards him. He closed his eyes, tensed in preparation of the coming blow, only to find himself tugged forward and held in a tight embrace.

For a moment he forgot how to breathe. When he remembered it all came out in a rush and he was clutching Deans jacket sobbing A fact which both would strongly deny later. Strong fingers threaded through his hair and he relaxed into the touch, leaning against his brother for support.

"I'm sorry." The words were spoken in quiet exhaustion. The fingers in his hair stilled before forcing his head to turn and look at his brother. "Dean-."

His brother fixed him with a stern glare instantly shutting him up. "No Sam. It's not your fault. You did good Sammy. Yeah you should have told me earlier- but I get it. I haven't exactly been the most approachable guy."

"They know Dean, about everything. Everything I've done. What I might do… When they come after me they know you're my weak spot." Feeling Dean stiffen and begin to pull away he tightened his grip, needing Dean to understand.

"I'd do _anything_ to keep you safe Dean. I'm not saying you're _weak_. I'm saying when it comes to you _I_ am. I've lost you twice now, once to hell and once to my lies. I couldn't take it if my weakness or stupidity; this blood curse or other hunters caused you to leave me again- permanently. I'm not strong enough to stand losing you. I'd leave before I would allow that to happen. Knowing that you were safe I could keep going. If you died…It scares me the lengths I would go to ensure that doesn't happen."

Sam felt Dean tense and relax alternately with his words. When he allowed Dean to pull away his brother's face was unreadable. His gaze was hard and Sam felt as if he was being measured.

"I may be your weakness and you may be mine but you keep me fighting Sam. Knowing you're with me keeps me strong. I will beat your ass if you even think about leaving. Don't you dare try to sneaking off in the middle of the night on some misguided attempt to save me from yourself or some other half-assed excuse. Try it and I swear I will hunt your ass down, and after I beat you for leaving I'll hand cuff you to the Impala. We're in this together. So don't you even think about leaving. Do you understand me Sammy?"

For the first time all day Sam smiled, though he hung his head to hide it. Schooling his face he looked up at his brother. "Yeah Dean."

"Good. Then let's stop wasting time bitch, we got places to be." Dean walked around and got in the car as Sam smiled.

Knowing that was as close to an 'I love you' as Dean knew how to give he slid into the passenger seat and closed the door. As they pulled back on the road the sounds of mullet rock filled the car. Sam leaned back and closed his eyes. "Jerk."

Dean quirked a half smile and relaxed as he heard the soft spoken endearment. They were going to be fine.


End file.
